Final Feathering Fix is at Hand
03-09-2004, 04:45 PM
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Final Feathering Fix is at Hand
Dear valued 35oz customer, and more importantly, potential 35oz customer,
We at Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan would like to think that we care about our customers and that we wish to enhance your ownership experience. We would like to address the members of this good Forum regarding this alleged tire feathering business on our flagship model, the 35oz. By the way, the correct term for this phenomenon is “shoulder cupping” and this in no way implies that we, at Disdain Motor Corporation, have ever observed this phenomenon on our flagship model, the 35oz. But if we were to observe it we would call it shoulder cupping.
We would have spoken out sooner regarding this alleged situation but we did not wish to unnecessarily alarm our customers, and more importantly, our potential customers, about an alleged problem that we, at Disdain Motor Corporation, have been unwilling to duplicate. Did I say unwilling? Pardon me. I meant to say unable. We would have done so sooner but we did not wish to unnecessarily alarm our customers, and more importantly, our potential customers about an alleged issue that we, at Disdain Motor Corporation, have been unwilling to duplicate. I said unwilling again. Please excuse me as I appear to be having some trouble with my word processor. It is American made. In any case, The Disdain Corporation of Japan has looked at this alleged issue in some detail and, while we cannot offer you any sort of technical engineering based solution at this time or at any time during the ownership of your vehicle, we have contracted with the world renowned public relations firm of Coverit, Demerol, Detritus and Deceit who has conducted an extensive two (2) year focus group study on this supposed shoulder cupping issue.
During the study, the focus group participants were presented with a series of possible shoulder cupping explanations and asked to comment on each. Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan would like to present to you the results of this exhaustive study, however, the world renowned public relations firm of Coverit, Demerol, Detritus and Deceit has concluded that not a single focus group participant accepted any of the possible explanations. We therefore turn to our valued customers, and more importantly, our potential valued customers, and ask that you resolve this mystery once and for all. Please select one, and only one, of the following options and cast your vote.
Explanation #1 This is one our personal favorites and is still used by many of our more astute CSR’s on first time alleged 35oz shoulder cupping victims. Unfortunately we shot ourselves in the foot so to speak on this one just as soon as we changed the alignment data so it is reserved for our most cephalically challenged customers only.
Explanation #2 This one bought us quite a bit of time as it took most owners several sets of tires before reaching the conclusion that we were full of ****. It was also complicated by the change in the alignment specs but we continued to apply it none the less.
Explanation #3 This is a favorite among Disdain Dealers who use it in an attempt to conceal their own ignorance and inability to correct the supposed problem. Given the Americans’ lack of understanding of complex issues such as the alleged tire feathering issue we, at Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan, were very surprised that an American came up with this exceptional explanation.
Explanation #4 Upon first glance this explanation appears to be the easiest way out of this alleged problem for The Disdain Motor Corporation, however, the fact that, if there was an actual shoulder cupping problem, and again I must emphasize that we do not believe that any such problem exists, consumers would automatically assume that we have tried other tires and solved the problem. But since we are still producing the legendary 35oz with RU486 tires we really cannot, in good conscience, use this explanation. That fact that the alleged tires on the supposed vehicles are wearing out at 5,000km also precludes the use of this explanation. Dealers continue to use it none the less on unwitting owners that don’t report the problem until 18,000 or 20,000km where it seems to work very well.
Explanation #5 This is a fairly new explanation that did very well in the focus groups. It is based on the premise that mere mention the work “safety” instills a sense of confidence in the consumer. We, at the Disdain Motor Corporation, are not completely satisfied with this explanation, however, as it would indicate that the tire only has a useful life of 5,000km in direct contradiction of Explanation #4.
Explanation #6 This technique was used very frequently, and successfully, I might add, during the American Clinton Administration. Disdain Motor Corporation Dealers simply deny that any problem exists. They are instructed to have several Technicians as well as the Service Manager to look at the suspect tires and simply declare that they are wearing normally. This explanation is usually reserved for those hard cases were the consumer simply refuses to accept any of the other more than reasonable explanations. The only problem with this explanation that we have noted is that it usually forces the valued customer into litigation, which, we are confident that we will easily win, but wish to save our customers from any public humiliation.
Please make your selection now and thank you for your continued support of The Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan. The results will be tabulated and a letter of explanation will be sent to each affected 35oz owner within the next 13 to 24 months.
Sincerely,
Ely Pitstench
Vice President of Consumer Affairs
Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan
We at Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan would like to think that we care about our customers and that we wish to enhance your ownership experience. We would like to address the members of this good Forum regarding this alleged tire feathering business on our flagship model, the 35oz. By the way, the correct term for this phenomenon is “shoulder cupping” and this in no way implies that we, at Disdain Motor Corporation, have ever observed this phenomenon on our flagship model, the 35oz. But if we were to observe it we would call it shoulder cupping.
We would have spoken out sooner regarding this alleged situation but we did not wish to unnecessarily alarm our customers, and more importantly, our potential customers, about an alleged problem that we, at Disdain Motor Corporation, have been unwilling to duplicate. Did I say unwilling? Pardon me. I meant to say unable. We would have done so sooner but we did not wish to unnecessarily alarm our customers, and more importantly, our potential customers about an alleged issue that we, at Disdain Motor Corporation, have been unwilling to duplicate. I said unwilling again. Please excuse me as I appear to be having some trouble with my word processor. It is American made. In any case, The Disdain Corporation of Japan has looked at this alleged issue in some detail and, while we cannot offer you any sort of technical engineering based solution at this time or at any time during the ownership of your vehicle, we have contracted with the world renowned public relations firm of Coverit, Demerol, Detritus and Deceit who has conducted an extensive two (2) year focus group study on this supposed shoulder cupping issue.
During the study, the focus group participants were presented with a series of possible shoulder cupping explanations and asked to comment on each. Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan would like to present to you the results of this exhaustive study, however, the world renowned public relations firm of Coverit, Demerol, Detritus and Deceit has concluded that not a single focus group participant accepted any of the possible explanations. We therefore turn to our valued customers, and more importantly, our potential valued customers, and ask that you resolve this mystery once and for all. Please select one, and only one, of the following options and cast your vote.
Explanation #1 This is one our personal favorites and is still used by many of our more astute CSR’s on first time alleged 35oz shoulder cupping victims. Unfortunately we shot ourselves in the foot so to speak on this one just as soon as we changed the alignment data so it is reserved for our most cephalically challenged customers only.
Several 35oz vehicles’ alignment settings were altered during shipment to the United States by a non-Japanese carrier when a group of Haitian refugees forced into slave labor aboard the Auto Transport Ship “Americantdoalign” mistakenly substituted lb feet for gm mm of tightening torque on the vehicle tie down systems.
The Disdain 35oz is a highly sophisticated, highly tuned wonderful state of the art piece of Japanese machinery and Americans simply do not possess the appreciation or the ability to tune it. Neither do they possess the ability to operate automotive alignment equipment. Only the Japanese, and the French, possess these inherent abilities therefore the entire problem is the Americans’ fault and there is very little we can do about. We have attempted to instruct our American friends but they simply do not possess the intelligence to fully understand the issue.
Explanation #3 This is a favorite among Disdain Dealers who use it in an attempt to conceal their own ignorance and inability to correct the supposed problem. Given the Americans’ lack of understanding of complex issues such as the alleged tire feathering issue we, at Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan, were very surprised that an American came up with this exceptional explanation.
It is you driving Sir/Madam. You are just too aggressive. Our operatives have observed you driving your 35oz around corners and even worse, breaking around corners. If you are going to operate the 35oz in anything other than a straight line then you have to expect this sort of thing.
The Bridgerock RU486 is a very soft tire and can only be expected to last 20,000 miles.
The Bridgerock RU486 tires made for Nissan have a built in safety feature that causes a subtle howling noise to begin when the tires are approaching the end of their useful life. This saftey feature is similar to the metal probe placed on some brake pads to cause a squealing noise to begin when the pads are nearly worn out. As the tires become progressively worn the noise increases in intensity until a point is reached were the consumer is forced to purchase additional RU486 tires. Disdain Motor Corporation has done this for the collective good of our more than satisfied customers to protect their own safety. Neither Acura, with their NSX, or Lexus, with their IS300, all vehicles that run the RU486 have been able to duplicate this safety feature.
I am sorry Sir/Madam but we have not been able to duplicate your issue and have found no problems with the car or its’ tires.
Sincerely,
Ely Pitstench
Vice President of Consumer Affairs
Disdain Motor Corporation of Japan
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