erickim080387

iTrader: (43)

Found a couple jokes that I thought were pretty hilarious. Feel free to post some of yours!

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says 'm "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuck! Duuuude!.......How much water did you drink?!!"




Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells
him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some
people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and
some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his
theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he
says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out "Watch that wall!"


FEW TIMES IN HISTORY WHERE THE WORD FUCK WAS APPROPRIATE
- “What the FUCK do you mean we’re sinking?” - Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
- “What the FUCK was that?” - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
- “Where did all those FUCKING Indians come from?!” - Custer, 1877
- “Any FUCKING idiot can understand that!” - Einstein, 1938
- “You want WHAT on the FUCKING ceiling?” - Michelangelo, 1566
- “Scattered FUCKING showers my ***!” - Noah, 4314 BC
- “Aw c’mon. Who the FUCK is gonna find out?” – Bill Clinton 1998
- “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this FUCKING mad.” - Saddam Hussein, 2003


more to come...

stylett9

iTrader: (9)

first and second joke seriously made me crack up out loud in my dead silent office.

good stuff.

jdm21bmx

https://my350z.com/forum/the-lounge-off-topic/282355-the-best-joke-ever-thread.html

Good stuff, make sure you add those to this thread.

UHATEIT

iTrader: (7)

+2 seen that thread , subscribed to it a while back!