The Joke Thread
02-09-2009, 05:33 PM
#21
Cajun man from Louisiana walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to London on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Louisiana man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cajun from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Louisiana man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Louisiana man replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?' Don't ever underestimate a Cajun!
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Louisiana man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cajun from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Louisiana man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Louisiana man replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?' Don't ever underestimate a Cajun!
02-09-2009, 06:49 PM
#22
Okay so here is my joke
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/inde...lbumId=2036755
I thought rhinestones on your phone was stupid but to put them on your car is ghey omfg I laughed so hard then vomited
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/inde...lbumId=2036755
I thought rhinestones on your phone was stupid but to put them on your car is ghey omfg I laughed so hard then vomited
02-10-2009, 06:53 PM
#23
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?'' "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say.''
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?''
''I'll never tell.''
"Was it Nina Capelli?''
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. My lips are sealed.''
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? Was it Cathy Piriano?"
''Please, Father I cannot tell you!"
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over andwhispers, 'What'd you get?'' "Four months vacation and five good leads."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?'' "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say.''
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?''
''I'll never tell.''
"Was it Nina Capelli?''
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. My lips are sealed.''
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? Was it Cathy Piriano?"
''Please, Father I cannot tell you!"
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over andwhispers, 'What'd you get?'' "Four months vacation and five good leads."
LOL - even funnier is that I know Minetti's and Mazzarelli's....one of them was very fun
02-12-2009, 11:54 AM
#24
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And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
So I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started
.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
Still fighting
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went
back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started ...
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started ...
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
So I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started
.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
Still fighting
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went
back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started ...
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started ...
02-13-2009, 09:42 AM
#26
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so I have been having a good time with this site at work along with a few other co-workers. the site is www.fmylife.com. It is updated daily with new story's. I have added a couple below that I think are pretty funny.
" Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML"
"Today, when my boyfriend and I were lying in bed, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML"
"Today, I told my mom I was excited my ***** were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML"
" Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML"
"Today, when my boyfriend and I were lying in bed, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML"
"Today, I told my mom I was excited my ***** were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML"
That was friggin hilarious... Thanks.
02-19-2009, 04:35 AM
#30
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the wife
After being married for18 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, 'Love,18 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 43 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
and said, 'Love,18 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 43 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...
02-25-2009, 05:31 AM
#34
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Here's one for Kristi :
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Kristi in aisle 4." He goes over to see Kristi, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Kristi in aisle 4.
Kristi grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Kristi in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Kristi in aisle 4." He goes over to see Kristi, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Kristi in aisle 4.
Kristi grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Kristi in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
02-26-2009, 12:54 PM
#39
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Proof That Men....
Proof that Men Have Better Friends .
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.