LayDZee

I'll start us off... It's long but worth a good read!

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.
Only He can.

-John Cleese.

AcidJake75

iTrader: (64)

Fixed



I LOL'd at Nancies..

phiooz

iTrader: (4)

boy is in the bathtub with mom

boy: what's that hairy thing down there?
mom: it's my sponge.
boy: the babysitter has one.. i saw her wash daddy's face

lgear080

iTrader: (21)

I used to date this chick... her name, hmmm...
I just call her the xbox.

harrr. comedy central standup.

LayDZee

HAHAHAHA

GenoZide

iTrader: (1)

LMAO!

What do a cop and a dog have in common?
They both look at you as if they understand what you're saying.

Snow White is sitting on Pinocchio's face and she says "tell me a lie".

bommart

iTrader: (3)

the u.s. government.

fithamoto

iTrader: (24)

Here are a few Blonde jokes for ya :

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of Blondes ?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: Why do Blondes love Lightning ?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their picture.

To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with " Please turn over " written on both sides.

*** NEWSFLASH *** Blonde girl fired from a Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

phiooz

iTrader: (4)

heres an addition to your blonde one

someone shows picture of bacon to a blonde and she calls it a cow....
https://my350z.com/forum/meet-ups-ev...grapevine.html

kristi... hahah

GenoZide

iTrader: (1)

I saw that, LOL! It's ok Kristi. I've heard worse.

LayDZee

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?'' "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say.''

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?''

''I'll never tell.''

"Was it Nina Capelli?''

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her. My lips are sealed.''

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? Was it Cathy Piriano?"

''Please, Father I cannot tell you!"

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over andwhispers, 'What'd you get?'' "Four months vacation and five good leads."

whitelightnin

iTrader: (6)

Blonde girl fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all of the W's

fithamoto

iTrader: (24)

Q: How do you know when a Blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies ?
A: You will find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Kristi

iTrader: (4)

OMG I just read this!!! hahaha

z-u-later

iTrader: (43)

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least some one had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You k now, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...







On the couch...







Naked...

son_jaoku

iTrader: (1)

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1044

LayDZee

So who is going to do this to there Z first?

fithamoto

iTrader: (24)

Monday's joke:


As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what
happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I
Looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree,
so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mama ... I don�t know how to
tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty
miles is your air freshener."

LayDZee

WOW. JUST WOW.

MesquiteZ

Two men walked into a bar, the third one ducked.