nismocoupe08

here are a few new ones from fmylife.com


"Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try **** sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML"

"Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML"

"Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to **** your *****" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to **** your puppy." FML"

Jtizzl3

iTrader: (2)

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

bommart

iTrader: (3)

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
is back on the market.. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

bommart

iTrader: (3)

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
"Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how
to reply, she tells Little Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast
tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.


Johnny didn't forget.
The following morning he asked his
father the same question.
His father, always quick with the
answers, said, "Why Johnny, those are balloons.
When your
mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to
heaven.
"

Johnny thinks that's really neat and asks no more questions.


A few weeks later, Little Johnny's dad comes home from work
a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying
hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think
Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Bob is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's
screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming'.
"

nismocoupe08

^LOL