Let's post jokes here.
U know, reading jokes would refresh our minds after working so hard at work places.

 

What do you call it when you wake up in the morning with a rabbit sitting on your face?









































Unwanted Facial Hare!

(sorry, lame joke my Dad made up is the only thing I can think of at the moment...but so lame, it's kinda funny) =)

<-- Daddy's girl /nod

 

Why dont Italians like Jehovas witnesses?






Italians dont like any witnesses. heh.

 

What do you get with two green ***** in your hand?


kermit's undivided attention.

 

The undivided attention of the jolly green giant?

 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I'm sorry Ma'am, I can't sell you any for that reason."

The woman then hands him a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband, and the woman is the druggist's wife.

He looks at the photo and says, "My apologies, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in
common?





Men usually miss all three.

---------------------

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much
their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I
shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad
that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my
flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My
hands shake so bad that when I took a **** yesterday, I came
three times."

 

Damn, that was a pretty rough man-bashing joke. Fair enough though.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?











They taste funny.

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes
over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him
she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him
and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband,
"that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a
divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but,
remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more
shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no 350Z in the garage, and no more Country Club.
But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a
mutual friend entering the restaurant with gorgeous woman.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his
mistress," replies her husband.

... "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'.
This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech oza. Ze drem of an united urop vil finali kum tru!

 

A guy wakes up and finds that he died and went to hell

The Devil come up to him and askes how he feels. "How do I feel? I'm in Hell how should I feel"?

The Devil says that it is not bad in Hell. He askes the guy if he likes to drink. The guy says yeah, and the Devil says "you'll love Mondays...all drink, all the time".

The guy says that's cool, but i'ts still Hell. The Devil asks the guy if he likes to smoke. The guy replys that he is a three pack a day smoker. The Devil says "Well, then you will love Tuesdays, all smoking all the time".

The guy is starting to come around. The Devil asks the guy if he likes food. The guy replies that he is a glutton. The Devil says, "Well then you will love Wednesdays...all food all day".

Now the guy is almost convinced. The Devil asks the guy if he is gay. The guy repleis that he is straight as an arrow. The Devil says "Well, then you are going to hate Thursdays"...

Ba Boom....

 

There was a senior citizen who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road,
flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror. There was a
highway patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
" I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man as he floored it some more and flew down
the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the state trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good reason why you
were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."
The state trooper replied, "Have a nice day"

 

Since we are on the subject of being pulled over, here is another!

The traffic stop....

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster
than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides
to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So he asks the man his name
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred; how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born
Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school and got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So I was Fred Dingaling, MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning